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Miss Annabelle seemed unfettered. She had no idea, however, of the dangerous sexual theme simmering beneath the gossip.
The more the gossip spread, and the more strange looks she got from staff and faculty, the more she pulled out all the stops and poured her love and free thinking into her lectures and onto her students.
The growing disapproval of her actually freed her to cut the disapprovers out of her constant considerations that tended to make her lectures a bit conservative. Removing them from the equation was like taking the last impurity out of a chemical solution needed to set off the power reactor explosion. Her lectures now freely blew apart the matrix of illusions that trapped all adults in an anticivilization.
She loved her kids, and they loved her. The bond grew so strong that its positive current swept her students away from anything destructive. The parents were delighted by their children's attitude toward school and life.
Defamed yet unfettered, devoted and determined...that combination of events and emotions brought out the most eloquent Miss Annabelle. Her lectures were stirring for her eight and nine-year-olds, for 39-year-olds, for 69-year-olds. She worked late into the evenings cutting through appearances in this world of illusions created by the media, the academe, the Establishment, politicized big business, organized religion, the legal profession, the government...by the many freeloaders, by those who drain or tear down values instead of contributing to or building values. She pierced through to the essence of things, where the real power in life resided. If her students could grow up with their minds focussed not on appearances but on the essences of life, they could build powerful puzzles of ideas that would take them to new levels, to puzzle pictures never seen before. They would become the power players, the value creators, the money/power giants.
She was not going to let anything in this world suppress those twelve children. Something inside her, something from her past, gave her a keen awareness of the life-destroying world of appearances and illusions -- something she would catapult her pupils over and beyond.
*
During the rising controversy at Duncan Elementary School, a situation arose that made all Miss Annabelle's problems shrink by comparison. In early November, a little girl's parents visited Miss Annabelle. The mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. The doctors said she had from only a few months up to two years to live.
In Miss Annabelle's room that evening, overlooking the empty, little chairs and desks, Sally's mother struggled to talk clearly. "What should we do for poor Sally?" her mother asked as a large tear then another escaped her eyes.
Consciously, Miss Annabelle did not know how to answer that, but the answer, to her surprise, came rushing out from her subconscious, "Make every day beautiful. Send her to school so her mind keeps growing. When she gets home, spend as much time together as your energy allows. Make beautiful memories together that will last Sally's entire life. Of course, let her be with friends sometimes, which'll give her some experience of life without you. Gently, consistently prepare her for when the time comes...when she must go on without you. The love you give Sally these few precious months must last a lifetime."
From that evening onward, Sally's mom spent almost all her afternoons and evenings with Sally, making every day precious. They did everything together and reached a love so special that they, at times, felt almost lucky.
That night Miss Annabelle could not fall asleep. She lay awake, knowing she could not protect Sally from the pain she would endure.
"What is the essence of death?" she sat up in bed, wondering. "Is there something beyond the appearances?"
She got out of bed and went to her desk. "I must break through. I must break through..."
*
Miss Annabelle's heart sank when she watched Sally come through the door the next morning. Sally knew; her eyes were wide with fear and lost in pain... a helpless, hopeless burden no one so young and tender should bear. Miss Annabelle watched Sally walk to her desk, lost in her pain, unaware of the other children. Sally sat and dropped her head down on her desk. Miss Annabelle saw her shoulders and back bobbing; she was crying. She looked so small, yet her pain was so large. Miss Annabelle got overwhelmed by the sight of the little girl in such grief and put her hand over her mouth as she herself fought from crying. She walked over, knelt beside the little girl and put her hand on Sally's little shoulder. In one quick motion, Sally jerked around and buried her face into Miss Annabelle's shoulder. They hugged tightly for several minutes. The other children behaved like little adults, sat quietly at their desks, knowing their friend was very sad.
The other children silently watched Miss Annabelle and Sally. "Children, Sally's mother has an illness called cancer." Miss Annabelle felt Sally's grip tighten as she spoke. "Who of you here wants to someday discover cures to illnesses and diseases?" Sally eased her grip and lifted her eyes from Miss Annabelle's shoulders to see all her classmates raise their hands.
"I want to save Sally's mom," one little girl said.
"Me too." "Me too." "Me too," was said in near harmony by 11 classmates.
The compassion for Sally and her mother removed a little of the fear for Sally, at least for now. She was able to stop crying for now and lift her head off Miss Annabelle. Sally, her face overwhelmed with devastation, looked at her classmates one by one. Her eight and nine-year-old classmates looked back with compassion and love. Each child allowed Sally to look at him or her as long as she needed, without saying a word, as if her soul was being fueled with a little strength from each classmate.
Miss Annabelle noticed how beautiful the children looked during this magical moment. Their eyes all looked so big and round. Their faces looked so sweet, like little angels. She realized that this is how people look, all people, both children and adults, when they are pure of negativity and dishonesty. This is the look of pure honesty and love. People, in their most genuine moment, are beautiful, she thought as this magical moment lasted.
With each look, Sally organized something inside her little head that was in disarray. This is exactly what she needs at this stage, Miss Annabelle realized. Each look into one of her classmates' eyes would warm Miss Annabelle's heart as she saw a little bit more emotional disarray put back into order. As Miss Annabelle watched this phenomenon, she felt so proud of her eight and nine-year-olds. This is my family, she thought to herself. This is my life. I love them so much. I will protect them; I will teach them how to protect themselves to keep their dreams and to turn them into reality. I want them to have these beautiful faces when they are all grown up.
*
Over the next two weeks, Miss Annabelle struggled with the idea of death. What is the essence of death? She could not seem to break through the appearances. She thought about Sally a lot. Sally and her mother had discovered immense joy celebrating life together every day. Sally was doing fine now, but Miss Annabelle wondered with deep concern how Sally would be once her mother took a turn for the worse.
When thinking about Sally one evening, how to possibly protect her, Miss Annabelle could not get over the hopeless finality of death. She shook her head in dismissal when thinking about the prevalent belief that death is not final, but just the beginning. Miss Annabelle was unsure of afterlife ideas and not sure if she believed in God or if God would someday be a silly ancient idea replaced by scientific explanations. But whether she believed or not did not matter. She emotionally knew, for Sally and her mom, the hopeless finality of death.
In acknowledging to herself the finality of death and its inescapable tragedy, she suddenly realized the rightness of happiness when we are alive...the unapologetic rightness of happiness during our one special flicker of life.
She never thought of her life that way before: the rightness of happiness. In fact, the more she thought about the finality of death, the more she felt this rightness of happiness. Ironically, she realized, the more she thought about death, her own death and Sally's mom, the more determined, even "pumped up" as her students would say, she got to squeeze every drop of happiness out of every day.
What's happening here? she was wondering. I feel like celebrating and savoring each day as a precious gift with my students. Then she thought about Sally and her mother. Those two make each day a celebration together. They savior each moment as a precious gift...even the mundane and minor moments. They have amplified their rightness of happiness because of impending death.
Can we all amplify our happiness by acknowledging our imminent deaths? Can we, too?
*
Two days later, Miss Annabelle handed out to each student a computer generated sheet with 30 rows across and 30 columns down, forming 900 little squares.
"Children, you're just eight or nine years old. You have your whole futures ahead of you. But I must warn you: that future -- your everything -- goes by so fast that it's easy for time to flash by without getting out of life everything that you should. In this world of illusions, it's so easy to waste so much of our futures.
"In fact, the appearance to eight and nine-year-olds is that you have so much time ahead of you. But digging through appearances to the essence of your time ahead, you realize how little time we have. For instance, look at the Life Chart in front of you. That represents how little time we have to experience everything and to create everything we ever will in all eternity. Each square represents one month of our lives. I invite each of you to put an "X" through about a hundred squares, leaving you with just about 800 left. Those 800 open squares represent your future -- 800 months left. As you can see, it's not some huge, vast space for adventures untold. No, it's a confined and pressing finite period of time. The limited nature of that time is why our futures seem to fly by us so fast and why it is so easy to waste those precious months.
"The Life Chart is designed for you to not be fooled by appearances, but for you to see through to the essence of your future -- just 800 months left! By seeing your future this way, you'll squeeze so much more out of life."
"Excuse me, Miss Annabelle," Teddy was saying, raising his hand. "Why 900 squares?"
"Good question, Teddy. The average life expectancy is about 75 years. What's 75 years X 12 months?"
After some pencil work, Teddy said, "Oh yeah, 900 months."
"And you kids are eight or nine years old. Eight times twelve is 96. Nine times twelve is 108. Put an 'X' through how many months old you are now.
"By doing this, you'll become acutely aware of the preciousness of life. It's a limited commodity, and that limited commodity is your everything. I do not expect Sally to do this because she and her mother know the preciousness of life. They know it so much more than we do, and they do not need to be reminded. But we do -- we need to be reminded of how little life we have to experience everything we will ever know in all eternity.
"How many of you think about or at least feel, on a daily basis, how precious your life is and the lives of your loved ones?" One hand went up, Sally's hand. The expression on her face was one of awe for Miss Annabelle seeing through to what she and her mother had discovered.
"All of you will feel the preciousness of life when you start your Life Charts. I know, because I have started my own. I have a lot more squares 'X'd' off than you. In fact, nearly half of mine are gone! Every morning when I get up, I think about how precious my life is. Everything I do now, even routine things, I savor. I get so much enjoyment now out of things that before either I never stopped to notice or felt indifference for. I now celebrate my days. I really feel the excitement in life. For example, when coming to school in the mornings, I get all happy inside like I'm going to a big celebration. I celebrate life every day now. By seeing through to the essence of our futures -- how little time we really have -- I'm getting every bit out of life. I've become so focussed and so determined to educate you to be able to cut through illusory appearances and obstacles in order to build your dreams and happiness. ...I want to accomplish more. I want to love more. I want to share meaningful time together with loved ones. In short, I have amplified my existence, and I savor it.
"You'll find yourselves enjoying your parents and siblings more, loving them more while you're still together. Life together, and life in general, is precious. You'll find yourself, as you 'X' off those open squares, wanting to learn more, wanting to learn how to start building values for the world. You'll find yourself thinking that every value you ever make is limited to those open squares, and you'll find yourself wanting to make more and more values as you grow older. One thing is for sure: you'll never waste a portion of your precious life with the Life Chart."
Fortunately, Miss Annabelle was recording her lectures now. When parents first saw their children's Life Charts, they did not know what to think. But, Miss Annabelle made twelve copies of her General Lecture and sent the tapes home with her students. Hearing the lecture of the Life Charts warmed parents' feelings for Miss Annabelle.
The children responded with mature thought and insight into their lives. They began pondering their futures and their dreams, which was very advanced for eight and nine-year-olds. A few days later Johnny said in class, "I started Life Charts for my parents." Before the week was over, all the children had started Life Charts for their parents. Seeing firsthand so many squares were "X'd" off on their parents' Life Charts, they grew closer to their parents. Over the next seven months of the school year, Miss Annabelle would get comments, phone calls, and mail from parents explaining how thoughtful and loving their children had become. The most common remark from parents was how their children were saying "I love you, mom and dad" for the first time in years...and saying it daily.
Whereas the children's love for their parents and siblings grew, so did their love for Miss Annabelle. Her sense of life seemed to mirror that of the children. She was always seeing through the gloomy appearances to the uplifting essence of things.
*
The effect Miss Annabelle had on her students was like a positive, powerful current. A child could swim against the positive current in rebellion, perhaps, but her omnipresent positive flow would soon wash the child further toward good than his or her struggle against it.
Rico, a nine-year-old boy, exemplified the effect of her powerful current of good. He was born into an unscrupulous line of male criminals. His father, uncles, and grandfather had notorious reputations and several years of prison time among them. Rico was not particularly attracted to crime. He got no thrill from the idea of stealing, like some other criminals. But the philosophy he was exposed to ever since he could think and talk filled his head with the criminal mind: others owe me a living. Therefore, guilt was removed from crime, greasing the way to a life of easy money through acts of crime.
But when Rico listened to Miss Annabelle one cold November morning, he was moved nearly to tears. He was moved along in her current of good. Perhaps...perhaps he was experiencing his first love, his first crush...for the wonderful woman.
She was saying, "When we're young, like you children are now, life at times seems bigger than life. I want you to think of something you've done that, at the time, was so exciting that it almost didn't feel real. At the time, you knew it was a special experience, and today it might be in your memory as something spectacular, like a dream. Or, I'd like you to think about something you have not done but seems bigger than life to you, something you only dream about, but if you ever did it...wow!"
Rico found himself thinking about being on the big blue ocean in a beautiful yacht with his brother and Miss Annabelle, deep sea fishing. He could see a sailfish way out in the distance jumping out of the water as Rico's brother and Miss Annabelle cheered Rico on...to reel it in. As this image teased his thoughts, he continued listening to the pretty teacher who was gracefully moving her arms like a ballerina in dance as she talked to the class:
"Right now, some fancy thoughts must be in those heads of yours. ...Anybody care to give us a peek inside?"
Sally was the first to raise her hand, which pleased Miss Annabelle. She knew today's lecture would be an important link to Sally's future, perhaps a masterlink to help Sally make the transition when the time comes from life with mother to life without mother. Coincidently, Sally was also thinking about the ocean, but Sally's thoughts were a real memory from a few weeks before:
"Oh, I'm thinking about my trip to Hawaii with my mom and dad. It's like you say...it's like a dream in my head. The ocean. The beach. The fields. The mountains. I remember the motor-raft journey on the ocean to some little island and snorkeling there with dad and seeing all those tropical fish! Mom went with us and stayed on the raft. But we took lots of underwater pictures for her. And you know what, a whole school of dolphins came to the raft, and Daddy and I and the other people jumped in, and we swam with the dolphins!"
The room was filled with "wows" and questions for Sally like, "Did you touch one?" "What did it feel like?" "How many?" "Were you scared?"
After Sally answered her curious admirers, Miss Annabelle saw a twinkle in Cathy's eyes. Her hand was not raised, but Miss Annabelle had been wanting to reach this quiet student who sat away from others in class and in the lunchroom. "Cathy, will you share with us your thoughts? ...What seems bigger than life to you?"
Cathy's twinkle quickly retreated in fear. Her private world suddenly had 11 kids and her teacher trying to look inside. Then, for a brief flash, a moment of courage emerged in her eyes. It seemed she would open the door, but at that same moment she turned the lock to close out her classmates.
"No," she said with much effort; her eyes then darted nervously around the room at her classmates as her mouth sunk back into her rotund face. Ever since she was a baby, she had always been obese. Thus, years before her peers would know what self-consciousness was, Cathy struggled with being self-conscious and retreated to a life of self-chosen ostracization. ...Not since the first day of school, when Cathy announced she wanted to be a beautician, had she participated in class.
In the meantime, Rico was lost in his fantasy of pulling in the sail fish. In his daydream, he now was face to face with his oversized catch, waving the fragile Miss Annabelle back from the dangerous ferocity of his catch. Completely caught up in his daydream, he suddenly cried out, "...stand back, Miss Annabelle!" Of course, he startled himself along with the whole class and his teacher.
"Rico, what's wrong?" Miss Annabelle said, obviously startled.
"Nothing...umm...I didn't want you to trip over that chair." He was trying to recover; he did not want to reveal his private fantasy.
"I had a bigger-than-life experience with my dad," Teddy Winters offered. When he got Miss Annabelle's nod of approval, he told of his fascinating tour with his father of the General Motors car assembly plant. "Everything was so big, like those big metal arms that moved around and put the cars together! It was so cool to see the cars form right before you -- so many cars. They told us that every single movement was studied so as not to waste even a split second."
Miss Annabelle nodded, knowingly. "I've also visited a car production line. It was awesome, Teddy. Someday, I'll tell you about Henry Ford and his creation of the assembly line."
Hands were still up, and Miss Annabelle knew she must not leave any story untold. She pointed to Ian Scott.
"I can't forget the Observatory. We drove up the side of this mountain at night to the very top. Up there was a building and inside was a huge telescope. We looked at planets. The best one was Saturn. We could even see the rings around it. When I looked at the planets through the telescope, they seemed so clear and so close. I wonder when we'll travel to those planets."
After the last raised hand was chosen and the last story was told, Miss Annabelle was ready to continue her lecture. But Rico suddenly spoke, "I was dreaming I was on a big yacht, and I was reeling in a monster of a sailfish, and that you were there looking over the side at the big fish flapping hard against the boat. That's why I told you to stand back."
Miss Annabelle laughed in her sweet way, and Rico relaxed and smiled. She laughed some more and said, "Thank you for protecting me!" And with that, she continued her lecture:
"Those bigger-than-life experiences have a common denominator: they're all something new to you, never before experienced. Brand new experiences spark stimulating new sensations and carve powerful impressions and permanent places in your memories. Adults, however, have experienced most of those things already. So adults go through life deflated, flat, not feeling the bigger-than-life excitement that children do. But that boring life does not have to happen for you when you grow up. Let's look through appearances that make people believe that when grown up, we must settle into a boring rut. Tell me, what is the essence of happiness, kids? Remember back to the first day of school...and to our camping trip. Do you remember? What is the essence of happiness? Yell it out...anyone."
"Making values," several students said out loud.
"Yes! Making values. And building something never seen or known before makes adults feel the bigger-than-life excitement like a child again. Children feel bigger-than-life excitement when they experience something new; adults feel bigger-than-life excitement when they build something new."
As Rico admired Miss Annabelle, he could feel his orientation to life changing. Does the world really owe him a living? If so, he thought, then he would miss out on the bigger-than-life excitement of building something new. He would miss out on the excitement he sees in his teacher every day. Yes, he wanted to be excited by life like his teacher, not in misery like his father. ...Later that afternoon, Rico returned an astronaut pen he had taken from Ian's desk. And for the first time in Rico's life, he apologized to a peer for wrongdoing.
*
At noon, the third-grade and fourth-grade students and teachers filed into the school's cafeteria. Miss Annabelle was grateful that Mr. Burke, one of the school's two guidance counselors, ate during the later lunch period.
The teachers ate in a small break room next to the large cafeteria. The teachers' lunch room had two oblong tables with three chairs on each side and one on each end. And there were two smaller square tables with four chairs around them.
Miss Annabelle felt increasingly uncomfortable in the teachers' lunch room, especially since the rumors started. At first, she was welcomed by the other teachers. But even before the rumors started, she noticed a gradual change in attitude. The women started deliberately sitting at a different table. But because of Miss Annabelle's attractiveness that makes men want to be near her, the men teachers would all sit at Miss Annabelle's table. But she was not interested in any of those men, and she was in no mood for men after being terrorized by Burke a few weeks ago. So she was not responsive to their macho innuendos. She was not responsive to their overtures or ongoing comedy.
Without Miss Annabelle applauding their efforts, the men slowly joined the women in characterizing Miss Annabelle as someone who "has problems", someone "strange", "different", and, eventually, as "that introvert child-woman who'll never find a husband."
Moreover, unbeknown to Miss Annabelle, the rumors about her "sexual discussions" with her third-grade students grew like a cancer. The other teachers, some subconsciously motivated by jealousies, began to ask rhetorical questions about Miss Annabelle. "I wonder if she's weird or got a thing for kids; maybe that's why she's not married?"
Today, Miss Annabelle could feel the tension as she walked into the teachers' lunch room. As she sat at one of the smaller square tables, alone, she suddenly thought, what am I doing here? I don't care about these people who eagerly entertain illusions without any effort or care to know what is.
Without wasting another moment of her life, Miss Annabelle stood up and almost ran out of the room. She went to the student cafeteria and scouted for a seat. All the tables were oblong with attached benches, filled with about eight kids per table. There were a few spaces open at the table where Cathy was sitting. Perfect! Miss Annabelle thought.
The cafeteria quieted down as Miss Annabelle entered. The children were surprised to see her; to their memory, a teacher had never eaten here with the kids. The hush, however, was not because the children felt tension in front of this teacher. The majority, those not in Miss Annabelle's class, were curious about the pretty lady who stood outside and greeted them the first day of school. They were merely observing her and enjoying the contagious smile that lit up her face as she joined the children. Unlike other teachers who looked tense and unhappy when entering a crowd of children, Miss Annabelle was genuinely happy. This was where she belonged -- with the children. And the children sensed this kinship with the pretty teacher who always looked so happy.
Her twelve students did not look away as they would with any other teacher. Instead, they said proudly to those around them, "Look, that's my teacher!"
When Miss Annabelle joined them that day -- the first time a teacher at that school had eaten with the kids -- her students' love for her grew even deeper. She was becoming their soul mate. From that day on, her twelve students wanted to sit with her at lunch. Within a week, all the children during lunch period wanted to sit with Miss Annabelle. One of the favorite lunch activities was for Miss Annabelle to tell a mystery story, and the kids at the table would try to solve it. She soon had to make a rotating seating arrangement so she could share her time somewhat evenly among the children, slightly favoring her twelve students.
That first day she came into the student cafeteria was a special moment. She went to the cafeteria line and got a student lunch while the children watched. She then sat at the table next to Cathy, the overweight, quiet girl in class. In less than a minute, the other four spaces at the table were filled with other students from her class. The table came to life with talk and laughter. This is where I belong, with these happy people, Miss Annabelle thought. Cathy stayed quiet, but Miss Annabelle noticed Cathy observing her. Miss Annabelle looked at the lunch before her: an open-face hot turkey sandwich with gravy, mashed potatoes, a dinner roll, and a dessert. Knowing Cathy was watching, Miss Annabelle matter-of-factly moved the dessert and the dinner roll to the top right corner of her tray, obviously with no intention of eating them. Out of the corner of her right eye, she saw Cathy do the same thing. Then, Miss Annabelle proceeded to slowly eat the sandwich and potatoes. Cathy kept pace with her. Without warning, Miss Annabelle turned and gave Cathy a hug. Cathy was shocked -- she could not remember being hugged. She tilted her head down, her chin sinking into her fleshy neck. But inside, Cathy had taken flight with joy. Someone had noticed her! ...I will free this little girl from her prison, Miss Annabelle thought.
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