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ASSERTIVE MOTIVATOR - SKILL 1 OF 4

In 1975, psychologist Manuel Smith published a popular book on assertiveness entitled When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. In that book he outlined several important skills for increasing assertiveness, and for increasing the effectiveness of your interaction with others. I've found four of Smith's skills of some value in the performance and motivation workshops we run. They have proved to be of equal value in non-business situations as well; in fact, they have been demonstrated as effective in a huge variety of situations where you need to "ask for what you want" - that is, influence or motivate others - without trampling on their rights.

1.   Broken Record. The lesson of the "Broken Record" technique is the lesson of the water that wears away rock: persistence pays. In using this technique, you state your side of the argument or discussion repeatedly, without either defensiveness or hostility, until the person to whom you're talking agrees to do things your way or, failing that, to what Smith calls a "workable compromise."

In When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, author Smith makes two good points about the Broken Record technique that I have found verified again and again in our performance-improvement workshops. First, for the technique to be effective, you have to repeat your assertion in a calm and consistent voice, refusing to be sidetracked by clever arguments against your side, and refusing too to become agitated at the refusal of the other person to concur with your conclusions. The magic of the Broken Record style is its infuriating uniformity - a uniformity that eventually convinces even the most intransigent opponent that the only way to turn off the record is to work with you rather than resist. A rising voice, increased volume, visible agitation on your part - all of these undercut that insistent uniformity, and undermine the effectiveness of Broken Record.

The second point that Smith makes explains why Broken Record is so effective in developing assertiveness over time: In sticking to your guns in a calm, unwavering manner, you are signaling to the other person - and, even more important, reminding yourself - that what you say and feel is not dependent on the opinion of other parties. This point reinforces the importance of using a calm tone. The manager who allows himself to get annoyed by a problematic subordinate is subtly locked in to the subordinate's own behavior pattern: he is controlled by the inappropriate behavior of another. Broken Record allows you to get beyond this common interactional bind by proclaiming your independence of others' behavior. With the Broken Record skill, whatever the other person says or does, you remain in control.

You don't have to be in control the way a prison guard is in control: you don't have to verbally beat the other person over the head with your Broken Record opinion. Indeed, if you must resort to this technique alone to assert your own opinion, chances are that you don't have that kind of leverage against the other person anyway. In my workshops I advise clients to combine the Broken Record technique with the Empathy Statement skill introduced in the previous chapter, as a way of softening the insistence. Instead of saying, "We have to do this my way," you say, repeatedly and calmly, "I see your point about this, but I think we have to go with 'plan B.' " And give your reasons. Anybody you're trying to influence deserves to know what they are.

This is assuming, of course, that you have already applied Reflective Listening - and that Reflective Listening is an integral part of your entire conversational style. To someone who energetically listens to others, Broken Record can be an invaluable assertion skill in situations where you are "sure you are right."  To someone who doesn't listen to others, or who makes no distinction between his own good, fair, and lousy ideas, Broken Record can be merely an excuse for verbal bullying. As I'll explain in more detail in the chapters on Creative Problem Solving and Conflict Management, assertiveness is a contingent rather than absolute skill: if the Broken Record technique is used in isolation from Reflective Listening and consensus-building skills, it will almost certainly backfire, leaving you without an audience or a solution.

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