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REFLECTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

The first of the four Reflective Listening skills is also the easiest to learn, and in fact many people who have never heard of Reflective Listening use it in their daily interactions all the time. We call it Prompting.

1.   Prompting. Prompting consists of telling the speaker, with a minimum of verbiage, that you want him to continue speaking, to give you more information. We identify two types of "prompts": verbal and nonverbal.

Verbal prompts include such phrases as "Really," "No kidding," "That's interesting," "You mean? . . .", "Like what?", and "Tell me more about that." They function to keep the speaker talking, and therefore by definition Involved. Generally speaking, the actual words used in a verbal prompt are less important than the intonation used in expressing them. Probably the most frequently used of all verbal prompts is the non-word "Hmmm..." - an expression that is really little more than a grunt, and that certainly conveys no hard data to the speaker.  Yet in spite of its lack of "information," the expression can be invaluable in drawing a hesitant speaker out, provided it is "stated" in a sympathetic voice, and with the appropriate facial expression and gestures of attention. That is, with the right "nonverbal prompts."

Nonverbal prompts include the whole "cues and prods" repertoire of the classic "good" listener. Think of a situation in which you have bent somebody's ear for an hour or two, unburdening your soul or seeking sympathy for problems. What "support" did that person give you as you rattled on about yourself? Most people who have been in this situation (which includes pretty much all of us) say that the truly good listener is admired not so much for the advice or information she or he conveys, but for the unspoken support that is evident in expression and gesture. The good listener's repertoire includes, therefore, the sympathetic smile, the raised eyebrow, the nod, the hand holding the chin, the body tilted forward toward the speaker, the laugh, the wince, and the knitted brow. All of these gestures signal the speaker that you are on his side, and want to hear more.

Nonverbal prompts can be tremendously motivating, and especially useful to a manager who is not by nature voluble or passionately "engaged." In my Viking days, I learned that lesson time and again from the way our head coach, Bud Grant, "prompted" me to better efforts on the field. Bud is a quiet, stoical man - the kind of guy you'd almost have to pay to laugh at a Marx Brothers movie. But he is one of the best motivators I've ever met, because he uses nonverbal prompts so well. I'd come off the field after a good pass, and Bud would stand there with his arms folded, not moving a muscle, and just nod at me as I came in. That was all - just catch my eye quickly and nod.  And yet it was one of the best and most cherished reinforcements I had in all my years of pro ball. That nod meant more to me than carloads full of champagne. And you'd better believe I was out there strong the next series of downs, looking to get reinforced like that again.

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