Neo-Tech Love and Sexual Pleasures

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Shyness reduces contact and chances with potential romantic partners and others who could be of long term value. A major step toward eliminating shyness is the acceptance of one's own self. A person eliminates shyness by assertively being him or her natural self while guiltlessly doing what he or she rationally desires, regardless of what others may say or think. An effective technique to bypass shyness and nervousness is intense listening with full focus and awareness on the speaker.

A shy person is seldom a bore. A bore is a person who is uninteresting, dull, or uncomfortable to another person. A person is not a bore to him or herself, but is a bore to another person. Often being a bore to a particular person is merely the result of that particular person's reactions. Such reactions depend on individual values and standards. Someone, therefore, can be boring to certain people, but exciting to others. Nevertheless, people who habitually project distorted realities or low awareness levels will by nature bore active, productive individuals.

Finding the right romantic partner with whom to experience psychuous pleasures and romantic love is one of the most important responsibilities of a person's life. Unplanned approaches diminish one's chances of securing the best possible romantic love partner. Table 2 lists and evaluates opportunities for a single or wrongly married person to discover a potential life long romantic partner. A person should remember that meeting a suitable partner to build long-term love and happiness needs only one connection, one meeting, one social function, one planned effort...and any time could be that one time. Until a person finds that right love partner, he or she should never stop searching for the right person with whom to share and build values, love, and happiness. To give up searching would be to give up on a major part of life itself. Possibilities for contacting potential romantic love partners increase proportionately with the number of planned, thought out approaches made.

Still, a person must protect one's time by being selective and not allowing valuable segments of life to be consumed by events and people that waste time, retard personal growth, or work against one's best interests.

In searching for a romantic-love partner, a person needs to be free and forward in approaching potential partners. That includes all approaches from a self-introduction to a bold pickup by either the man or the woman. Many opportunities for discovering suitable partners for romantic love are lost by people who fear what others may think of them for approaching or trying to "pick up" people to whom they are initially attracted. Even more opportunities are lost through inaction caused by fear of rejection. Rejections are not personal rebuffs, but actually serve as a valuable sorting process that allows a person to quickly eliminate unpromising prospects with a minimum loss of time.

Through fear of rejection, many people lose valuable opportunities to discover romantic partners with whom the supreme value of psychuous pleasures and romantic love could be developed and shared all their lives. Most rejections stem simply from unavailability. And often rejection arises from the inadequacies within the person doing the rejecting. Those who respond positively to one's initial, natural approach often make the best prospects for romantic partners.

People who value themselves and their happiness will place a high priority on those activities that will improve their chances of discovering the best-possible, most valuable, life-long romantic partner. That value is far too important for leaving to random chance, one must put its achievement under direct control. Many people erroneously think seeking or picking up potential romantic partners at social functions designed for that purpose (e.g., singles dances, clubs, introduction services, Parents without Partners, etc.) is degrading. But the opposite is true. When a person senses loneliness, unhappiness, or artificialness of guests at social gatherings that person is often projecting his or her own feelings of loneliness, unhappiness, or artificialness onto other people who may not be that way at all. Feelings of social incompetence seldom are caused by external events. Generally such feelings are caused by erroneous, negative views about one's self. When a person becomes aware of those erroneous views, the feelings of social incompetence usually diminish and often vanish. See Table 2.

*A rough guide only. Relative values may vary widely from person to person or from situation to situation.

** Parents Without Partners (PWP) is an international organization for divorced or single parents. For further information contact: Parents Without Partners Inc. International Headquarters 7910 Woodmont Ave., Bethesda, MD 20814. Phone (301)654-8850.

Irrational fear is destructive whenever it prevents a person from taking positive or needed action. Objective fear is a valuable protection mechanism. Fortunately, the paralyzing effects of irrational fear can be overcome with direct, conscious effort. For example, if a person takes an action that he or she fears (if no actual danger exists), that fear will dissipate. Irrational fears can cause inaction that prevent deserving, productive people from developing prosperity, happiness, and love. A fearlessness to live is one of the most financially and emotionally rewarding character traits that an honest, productive person can develop.

Objective truth and reality have always existed and will always exist independent of consciousness. The function of human consciousness is not to create "reality", but to identify reality. Identifying objective truth and reality is the basis for all rational judgments and actions. Making moral judgments is crucial to making correct decisions required for long-range happiness, psychuous pleasures, and romantic love.

Three common judgment traps and errors:

1. Erroneous or inadequate information to make a valid or accurate judgment:

Everyone is subject to this error. But that does not preclude certainty over issues and judgments. A person can be absolutely certain if given sufficient facts to validly measure those facts against the standards of objective reality. Since no one is omniscient or infallible, everyone is subject to specific errors. But that vulnerability to errors has no bearing on knowing or being able to make moral judgments with certainty.

2. Infatuation:

Infatuation is the focusing on a single attractive or desirable characteristic of another person and then proceeding to consider the total person as that one attribute. Infatuation is not only an unfair, restricting burden on the person being judged, but can lead to long-range disillusionment and pain for the person making the erroneous judgment.

3. Reverse Infatuation:

This is perhaps the most subtle form of judgment error. Reverse infatuation involves the focusing on a negative attribute in an individual and then considering or viewing that whole person as consisting entirely of that specific negative feature. This judgment error can be blinding, depriving, and unjust by obscuring areas of self-earned values and worth in other individuals.

As an important note, the above infatuation-type errors are also commonly made toward groups, things, and ideas. One must also recognize that productive people are a complex, many faceted profile of character traits. Usually a mixture of objectively positive traits and some (often well hidden) negative traits. Fair and objective judgments require the breaking down into as many separate components as possible, the various character traits of an individual. Once this breakdown has been accomplished, a more clear, fair, and objective judgment can be made by weighing specific positive traits against specific negative traits. Over a person's life span, many personal values can change. Objective moral values, on the other hand, are constant and never change.

A romantic love relationship has three basic segments:

1. Fundamental Basis
2. Man-Woman Relationship
3. Future Potential

The fundamental basis is the starting point of a relationship and is usually the initial cause of attraction between two partners. Forming and building a fundamental basis is not a process of creating, but one of discovering mutual values, ideas, and beliefs already held. The fundamental basis is the similarity of both partner's views of life and their underlying philosophical premises. Unfortunately, one's fundamental basis is relatively easy to fake. But faking one's fundamental self to attract a partner is a disastrous error that will eventually be paid for in lost love, lost time, reduced self-esteem, and diminished happiness, especially for the one doing the faking.

In order to establish a growing, long-term relationship, couples must first identify and then be in agreement over the nature of their man-woman relationship. Neo-Tech Pleasures and the Neo-Tech Discovery identify the basis for man-woman relationships designed to yield psychuous pleasures and happiness.

A vision of the future values, benefits, and happiness that a growing romantic love relationship could produce is the ingredient that continuously moves the relationship forward with motivation and anticipation. The future potential of a love relationship is a function of:

Two types of romantic love relationships exist: D. Working jointly toward major productive experiences and goals. 2) Working separately toward major productive experiences and goals.

Some relationships start hot and flaming, some start cool and conservatively. Some people try to get involved too quickly in deep romantic relationships. The possible penalties of pressing for deep involvement too quickly include losing a potentially good romantic partner or wasting a precious portion of one's life in an unsatisfactory relationship. The way a romantic relationship starts is usually not important because romantic love evolves through growth and development of mutual values. Therefore, any initial, honest approach is good and normally does not determine the outcome. What determines the success of a relationship is not the starting conditions, but is the direction of growth and the extent that mutual values can be continually created.

By applying Neo-Tech Pleasures, a person increases his or her Life-Lifting Capacity, which means providing an environment that helps other people discover and fulfill their own unrealized capacities and potentials. Life-Lifting Capacity does not mean changing or remolding another individual to suit one's own personal standards.

By increasing one's own Life-Lifting Capacity, that person increases his or her skills for starting and developing romantic relationships capable of generating pleasures and happiness.

The only necessary commitment between partners is a commitment to honesty and growth. If a relationship grows out of total free-choice, the values begin to accumulate naturally. The relationship then increasingly forms a self-chosen permanence. If growth continues, the relationship can gain unbreakable strength and permanence. If growth stops, the relationship can benevolently end with most of the accumulated values retained by each partner. As a result, each partner will have expanded his and her overall capacity for future relationships and psychuous happiness.

Since no one does or can know everything, everyone will at times make errors in his or her personal life. A person is particularly susceptible to error in the initial stages of a new relationship because of limited knowledge of the new situation. Romantic love does not occur automatically or by chance. Life values are earned through the honest efforts required to develop competence and self-esteem. That means constant conscious effort to live in accord with reality and one's own nature. As with any important value, romantic love and psychuous pleasures demand thought, effort, and time to develop and grow. The positive values generated are proportional to the thought and effort invested. See Table 3, DTC chart.

Emotions and feelings are among a person's most valuable assets. All pleasure and happiness are experienced through emotions. A person's basic emotional content will be either happy or unhappy, depending on the extent to which that person has accepted the responsibility of dealing honestly with reality. Everyone controls his or her wide-range emotions through volitional choices and long-termactions. Painful emotions are reliable warning signals that a person is acting contrary to his or her nature and well-being.

Human pleasures and happiness are experienced by sensory and emotional means. To fully experience pleasure and happiness, a person must develop a focused awareness of his or her emotional state along with a guiltless acceptance of all emotions. Happiness, pleasure, and love are experienced through emotions. Emotions deliver the ultimate long-range rewards or penalties, depending on the life a person chooses to create. The human organism must experience emotions and feelings in order to physically live. If a person continually diminishes self-awareness or represses emotions, he or she will steadily lessen the capacity to feel emotions. To compensate for this deadening of feelings, that person must take increasingly stronger measures to feel something. Until the only feeling left to feel is pain. But that person must feel something, so he or she strives to feel pain. The easiest, quickest route to feeling pain is through destructive actions. Destructive actions taken to feel something include promiscuity, manipulating others, initiating force (political or criminal) in order to control or plunder others, using drugs or alcohol, injurious masochism or sadism, vandalism, waging war, thrill killing, mass murder, genocide.

A person must learn to be aware of feelings in order to know his or her emotional content or state. A person must also know one's own emotions in order to effectively share them in a love relationship. A romantic love relationship cannot only be measured by the potential for pleasure and happiness but by the emotional closeness and sharing between the two partners.

Awareness of one's own emotions is needed to distinguish the unreal world of emotions from the real world of objective reality.

Thus, an unrepressed awareness of emotions, consciously and guiltlessly experienced, is needed for resisting mysticism, for maintaining good mental health, for fully experiencing psychuous pleasures, and for achieving abiding happiness.

Emotions at certain times can and should be suppressed. Suppression (as opposed to repression) involves being fully conscious of the emotion, but because of the circumstances, the emotion is temporarily set aside to be experienced later at a more appropriate time. Repression, on the other hand, involves trying to deny an emotion by permanently forcing it out of the conscious mind. By repressing or forcing an emotion out of the conscious mind, the emotion is merely pushed into the subconscious mind to remain buried forever (unless the emotion is subsequently uncovered and reexperienced through a derepression process). Each negative emotion, as long as it remains buried, continually harms one's psychological well-being by interfering with that persons ability to perceive reality.

Basing judgments, conclusions, or actions on emotions rather than on reality diminishes prosperity, well-being, and happiness. If important judgments or actions are based on emotions, grave errors with harmful consequences will result. Errors made from objectively based decisions will almost always be less frequent, less severe, and easier to detect and correct than errors resulting from emotionally-based decisions.

An important element of growth in a romantic love relationship is the development of open communication, especially during negative emotional experiences. During periods of negative experiences, reason based conclusions are needed to make sound, fair, judgments. The ability to communicate objectively during periods of emotional stress is a crucial development for successful love partners.

Personal emotions possess an untouchable type of ownership and privacy. Emotions are subject neither to criticism nor judgment (only actions can be criticized or judged as morally right or wrong). Feelings end emotions can have a rational or irrational basis, but they are never right or wrong. Emotions are spontaneous, automatic reactions that are not in the immediate or direct control of a person*. No one ever needs to feel guilty about any emotion. Likewise, since feelings and emotions are often subjective or irrational, to make moral judgments of others on the basis of one's own personal feelings or emotions is unsound and unfair.

Emotions are not subject to condemnation, guilt, or right or wrong judgments...only actions are right or wrong. While everyone innocently experiences negative emotions and irrational feelings, no one ever has to act on any negative, irrational, or destructive emotion or feeling. Only actions, therefore, not emotions are subject to objective moral judgment. An individual, however, is always responsible for every one of his or her actions even if the action is an innocent accident, an honest error, or an uncontrolled act of passion. Everyone must pay for his or her errors, even if the errors are accidental or innocent. Innocent errors, however, do not carry the serious, long-range cost that uncorrected, conscious errors carry.

*Individuals do, however, control their basic long-range emotions, i.e., being fundamentally happy or unhappy through long-term choices and actions.

Contrary to advice in most books on marriage and sex, an important task of every couple working toward romantic love and psychuous pleasures is not to seek compromises between their unique values, but to openly communicate and become aware of each other's values.

Many values depend on the individual's unique personality, tastes, preferences. And those values are not subject to judgments of right and wrong or better and worse...they merely reflect personal differences. Once aware of one's own as well as one's partners values, the differences can normally be used to intensify pleasures by, for example, satisfying each partner's most important sexual values at no sacrifice or compromise of one's own values. In that process each partner becomes increasingly valuable and uniquely irreplaceable to the other. Such relationships yield increasingly secure romantic love that grows without restrictions or bounds. Divorce in those rational relationships diminish toward zero as values and happiness grow with time.

A major mistake that many people make is to expect other people to be like them. People are not alike. Another error is the belief that a person can change the basic nature of another person. No one can really force or pressure changes in another person's basic self. Basic changes occur only from within the individuals own self. Table 4.

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