Neo-Tech Love and Sexual Pleasures

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For a healthy romantic relationship each partner must grant the other partner the guiltless freedom to enter any growth relationship (in principle this includes sexual) with any other person that he or she may find of value. In most growing romantic relationships, however, the circumstances for an outside, rational sexual relationship would never occur. But the guiltless freedom of choice -the choice to enter such outside relationships must always be allowed.

Growth and change come from within the individual through volitional effort to integrate new information with the nature of one's self. A person should not try to distort or change another person. A person is what he or she is. To pretend to be anything else is to present a false-front illusion that requires role playing to maintain that illusion. A person diminishes oneself and any personal relationship to the extent that a false-front illusion is presented. A person must present oneself as "This is me, you must take me or leave me as I am". This position does not mean that specific errors should be accepted or uncriticized. Furthermore, each partner must be free to benevolently point out harmful errors in the other as well as be open to objective criticism about his or her own self. Still, two dangers exist in criticizing one's romantic love partner:

1. Criticism might erroneously or unjustly turn into an invalid attack on the partners basic self. This does not mean that errors cannot or should not be identified or corrected (and errors are much better and more often corrected in an open, growing relationship). A person can and should, of course, develop his or her character and correct errors within one's self as new knowledge or information is acquired.

2. Avoiding of valid, specific criticism for fear of causing problems or rejection. Avoiding criticism cuts off important areas of communication necessary for emotional development and personal growth.

Most people have large capacities for self-improvement and correcting errors, especially in an atmosphere of freedom. Personal mistakes and errors need not do permanent damage. When faced and dealt with, most errors become self-revealing entities which, if corrected, create new areas of knowledge and personal growth.

Honesty is not automatic. It always requires conscious effort. Being honest is hard work. Concentrated effort is required to avoid glibly using rationalizations, out-of-context scenarios, or non sequiturs to evade the self-responsibility of identifying reality and solving problems. One develops skills of being honest neither automatically nor easily; honesty requires conscious effort, rational thinking, self-discipline and self-awareness.

A commitment to honesty with one's romantic-love partner is essential to achieving psychuous pleasures. Because of the constant effort required to be honest, many people default and thus lose the essential tool for long-range prosperity, happiness and love. Honesty evolves from independence, effort, and a loyalty to truth. Dishonesty, self-deception, and the resulting unhappiness evolve from resignation from life, laziness, and a low priority for truth - especially when feelings are involved.

Each partner must accept the idea that neither has any claim of ownership (physical or psychic) over the other. With unrestricted freedom and responsibility to guide one's own life, each partner develops an ever growing circle of freely chosen experiences that allows each to continually feed fresh, enriching values to the other. With this constant feedback coming from free and independent sources, the values and excitement between partners can grow vigorously, often by large leaps, toward increased psychuous pleasures and abiding happiness. With each partner feeding new unique experiences into the relationship each benefits from the other's independent experiences. With this never-ending spiraling growth, each partner becomes increasingly valuable to the other. Thus fewer and fewer circumstances could threaten, replace, or end their romantic love relationship.

Honest disputes without physical aggression or psychological injury can be valuable. Verbal disputes can cut through emotional blocks to release repressed feelings and foster needed communications. But destructively dishonest disputes occur, for example, when one or both partners silently save up the "worst" faults of the partner in order to use them as manipulative weapons. Also, undisciplined let-it-all-hang-out anger and negativity is an unhelpful, destructive habit.

Mutual benefits are almost always gained by openly discussing differences or problems. Within a romantic love relationship, the problems and differences that do arise provide opportunities for partners to discover new areas of growth that will increase their closeness and pleasures. See Table 7.

Description of differences or problems: _____________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

An important element of growth in a romantic love relationship is the development of open communication, especially during negative emotional experiences. During periods of negative experiences, reason-based (rather than emotion-based) conclusions are needed to make sound, fair judgments. The ability to communicate objectively during periods of emotional stress is a crucial development between successful love partners. The first step to reason-based communication between partners is to identify and then separate the emotional aspects of the problem. See Table 7.

There is frequently a fear in women about expressing sexual openness and assertiveness, as well as a fear in men about expressing tender feelings and emotions. Those fears cause various degrees of emotional repression and diminished happiness in both men and women.

Within a romantic love relationship, any aspect of one's self can be shared, but every aspect does not have to be shared. A person always has the guiltless right of privacy to any area of his or her life, even within an honest, open, romantic-love relationship. While requiring that nothing be held back that would cause deception or that would mislead one's partner, total honesty does not require total revealing of one's private self.

The world of psychuous pleasures and romantic love exists as a private world within one's own personal self. That world can expand to a mutually exclusive universe shared by two people involved in a serious romantic-love relationship. And that exclusive privacy is a precious treasure which can be lost by indiscriminately or promiscuously giving away or sharing oneself physically, psychologically, or spiritually with others.

Fear of being hurt or rejected prevents the development of many romantic-love relationships. That fear keeps a person defensive, which in turn prevents emotional openness with his or her partner. That openness is necessary for creating emotional closeness, romantic love, and psychuous pleasures. The achievement of romantic love involves a willingness to take risks. The fear of being hurt by being open is unfounded. To the contrary, a person is always hurt by faking unreal emotions, by concealing emotions from self or a loved one, or by failing to take the needed action.

Being emotionally open, however, does not mean gratuitously hurling emotions at others or imposing one's emotional problems on others. Such actions are irrational, unfair, and destructive. Rationality, fairness, and honesty act as powerful self-protectors when venturing into unexplored areas ranging from business to love relationships.

Without value-generating interactions, two people are of little or no direct value to each other...at least no more value than any two random people might be to each other. That delivery and receiving of values is the tangible gauge for judging the value of a relationship. A person must deliver values to be of value to another person. And that person must continue to deliver values in order to be of continuing value. A person must always add new values to existing values in order to experience growth within himself or herself and within a relationship.

The process of growth is the essence of human living that provides the major rewards of life - psychuous pleasures, romantic love, happiness, prosperity. That need is a fact of reality: growth is required for the human organism to function properly. Growth is a self-created, pyramiding process that requires rational thought, effort, and creativity to sustain. A person makes a disastrous error by defaulting on his or her own nature by not putting forth the rational thought and effort needed for personal growth.

Friendship itself is a basic and necessary ingredient of romantic love. Without friendship, no base for human interaction would be available on which love could be built. Actually, only two basic ingredients are required for a completely fulfilled and happy life: (1) achieving self-esteem and self-sufficient independence through honest productive work, and (2) achieving psychuous pleasure through romantic love. Of these two requirements, productive work is fundamental. Without productive work, romantic love is not possible. Productive work is the basic starting point for all positive human values; psychuous pleasures are the rewards for achieving those human values. Without productive work, an individual cannot achieve self-esteem, psychological health, long-range happiness, psychuous pleasures, or romantic love. Productive and rational individuals always collect more life, love, and happiness; unproductive and irrational individuals always experience a diminishing life and increasing unhappiness regardless of the surface appearances. Indeed, the happiness of both men and women will increase greatly as more and more women move into the major fields of value production, i.e., business, science, medicine.

Integrated links exist between productivity, self-esteem, psychuous pleasures, and happiness. Production of objective, traceable values is the integrating, life-giving force for all human beings. Production of values opens the way to all freedom, prosperity, psychuous pleasures, and abiding happiness. No other rouse to those values is possible. Productivity is essential to life itself.

Laziness, on the other hand, means the abdication of self-responsibility. The mechanism of human laziness in both the mind and body is the yielding to the path of least effort. But the human animal cannot properly survive by following the path of least effort. The result of every person's total life always moves toward justice as reality always asserts itself.

Friendship can offer great values and pleasurable experiences. But friendship is not fundamental to life or happiness. In fact, friendships, even good friendships, can in certain cases bleed valuable time needed for high levels of creativity and achievement.

The production of objective values is the single most important function of a person's life. Every person's survival and happiness as well as every facet of his or her physical, mental, and psychological well-being centers around the self-made ability to create and produce traceable values.

Most social or human interactions can be reduced to a microcosm of one-to-one, individual interactions. Relationships involving value exchange occur, for example, in all valid friendships and romantic love relationships. The basic requirement for everyone in any valuable human relationship is the production and exchange of tangible values. Furthermore, tangible values are either directly or indirectly the building blocks of all human relationships, especially friendship and romantic love relationships. From a base of tangible or material values, a far greater stability, intensity of love, friendship, and lasting happiness can develop then would be possible from a relationship consisting only of abstract values. However, fairly traded tangible values do not necessarily mean evenly traded tangible values.

Abstract values should never be used to avoid payment for material values, which should always be consciously and fairly traded. Material values represent irreplaceable segments of a person's life and the time required to earn those values. Still, abstract values are an important ingredient for initiating and establishing a friendship or a romantic-love relationship. Tangible and material values combined with abstract values are the variables that allow psychuous pleasures and happiness to continuously grow.

Those who misunderstand the nature of friendship or of romantic love may try to use abstract values as payment for material values. In doing so, they are exploiting their friendship or love relationships. Such people are unjustly extracting material values from others for the "privilege" of being in their presence. Habitual trading of abstract values for material values diminishes a person's ability to produce and deliver material values, making that person increasingly dependent on friends, a love partner, others, or society for material or tangible values.

• Psychologically pleasing reflections
• Philosophical reflections
• Reflections of each other's values
• Analytical feedback of thoughts and ideas
• Mirroring of self-worth, values, and ideas

Tangible and Material Values

• Practical contributions to increasing efficacy and productivity
• Practical contributions to reducing or eliminating counter-productive problems and errors.
• Practical contributions to producing tangible and material values
• Delivery of tangible and material values into the relationship

Throughout the universe, much remains unknown. Yet, nothing tangible or conceptual is unknowable to the human mind. But in the sphere of human emotions, particular emotions or feelings in certain people can never be known or experienced by other people.

To recognize the inability to experience certain emotional experiences in others is particularly useful in man-woman relationships. Two important emotional experiences that cannot be cross experienced between men and women (and, therefore, can never be fully known or understood between men and women) are identified below:

A. An Exclusive Female Experience and Emotion: Under implicit, constant bully-like threats from physically stronger men, some women feel the degradation and justifiable rage of being treated as sex objects exclusive to their self-earned qualities as human beings. No man can fully know or understand that particular feeling or rage because he has no way of duplicating the conditions that create those uniquely female experiences. Even if the man were unjustly treated as a sex object, he would still have no way of knowing the woman's feelings because of his different physiological, psychological, and social orientations. The closest a man can come to understanding is by indirect comparison of other experiences of injustice, embarrassment, hurt, rage.

B. An Exclusive Male Experience and Emotion: A strong emotion felt by many productive men is the desire for a peaceful core to counter balance his actively assertive life. That desire usually relates to a woman with whom he is free to retreat from his assertive life to experience peaceful love, tenderness, serenity, end rest during which he can expose and share his soul exclusively with that woman. Ironically, the strongest, most productive, independent men have the greatest need and capacity to receive a woman's love, support, and tenderness. Tragically, however, many strong, independent men do not recognize or will not admit, even to themselves, that emotional need...or other emotional needs (such as being free to cry, which has been erroneously viewed as weak or unmanly). Women who are aware of that need hold an important key for delivering powerful values and happiness to their men.

Aggressively productive women also have a need to periodically retreat to peace, serenity, and rest. Yet that need does not comprise the same psychosexual emotions as in a man because of the inherent psychological differences between men and women.

Neo-Tech Pleasures identifies two types of sexual jealousy: good thought (GT) and bad thought (BT). GT jealousy, probably the more common, is characterized by the retention of basically good thoughts about one's partner, even when pain or anger are generated. Most people can experience various degrees of GT jealousy about their love partners. GT jealousy does not always mean the jealous reacting partner is insecure or possessive, especially if the jealousy is experienced only as a passing feeling. GT jealousy even if severely painful, rarely inflicts deep or permanent damage on either partner or the relationship. Likewise, GT jealousy seldom cuts deeply into the emotions because positive feelings about one's partner dominate the underlying emotions.

BT jealousy, on the other hand, is a destructive, deeply rooted reaction that generates unjustified bad thoughts about one's partner. The BT poison core usually develops from deep rooted guilt and errors within the jealous partner. BT jealousy prevents the jealous partner from believing or feeling the values in the victim partner because of the bitterness, cynicism, or malevolence cultivated by BT jealousy. Those negative emotions and destructive disvalues usually keep building until they eventually outweigh all the good feelings and values between the partners. At that point, the relationship is destroyed. The bad thoughts of BT jealousy along with its hostile possessiveness and obligatory demands become increasingly unfair, unreal, and burdensome to the victim partner. BT jealousy is en unfair, hostile foisting of one's own personal problems, feelings of guilt, or inadequacies onto the victim partner.

No one can ever claim or own any aspect of another person's life, including the sex life of one's romantic love partner. Every individual exclusively owns each and every segment of his or her own life. In a romantic-love relationship, by nature, many more life segments and experiences are shared or intimately integrated than in other types of human relationships. But no segment of a persons life can be actually owned by anyone else. The jealous partner becomes locked into the false idea that any outside relationship or affair would be threatening, and depriving. Jealousy destroys values by focusing on what has not been given or what is unavailable, while ignoring, abusing, tearing down, or destroying what has been given or is available.

"Testing" is simply another form of jealousy in which one partner translates his or her insecurities into testing the victim partner for proof of love or fidelity. Such "testing" is unfair, immature, unreal, and continually escalates until the values or potential values of a relationship are destroyed.

Jealousy gradually eats away the friendship aspect of love. Once the friendship is gone, no link remains to hold together the love aspects of the relationship.

Within the person projecting bad thought (BT) jealousy, a core of bitter emotions develops (although often hidden) that increasingly releases bad feelings toward the victim. Recognizing the presence of that poison core is the first step in keeping BT jealousy from destroying a relationship. But once the poison core is formed, it can be difficult to free oneself from its destructive effects. That bitter, poison core increasingly emits negative reflections against the victim partner to unfairly diminish his or her self-esteem, freedom, and happiness....Negative emotions are automatically reflected toward the person being falsely accused.

A person is essentially powerless to avoid the guilt emotions and bad feelings resulting from false accusations or implications coming from a partner afflicted with BT jealousy. Even though the conscious mind can reject known false charges, such accusations still enter nonanalytical pockets of the subconscious mind. As long as such a relationship continues, the jealous partner can increasingly inject deep and often permanent psychic damage into the victim's subconscious. Usually the only remedy is for the victim to terminate that harmful relationship. The victim partner suffers subconscious psychological damage proportional to his or her exposure to the poison core of a BT jealous partner. See Table 8.

Mind Poisoned with Unreal and Negative Thoughts	Jealous Partner / Victim Partner	Mind Healthy with Real and Positive Thoughts
* Fear, guilt, and hurt from unrelated past experiences generate bad and unjust thoughts about one's partner. * Projects negative feelings towards partner. * Rejects or disbelieves positivetive and good reflections from partner. * Negative feelings grow. * Needs and demands to possess partner increase (particularly to possess partner's sexuality).		* Projects positive feelings toward partner. * Constantly surprised by partner's causeless rejection or disbelief of positive feelings. * Gradual buildup of unearned guilt and hurt by the inexplicable negative feelings projected from partner. * Steady buildup of undeserved bad feelings about self. Increasing discomfort with partner. * Love and friendship fade and are eventually replaced with dislike.
* Loneliness, bitterness, and unhappiness. * Paranoid toward any partner who offers values.	Prognosis Jealous Partner / Victim Partner Negative Course / Negative Course	* Growth and love stops. * Gives up. Accepts the jealous partner and the relationship along with the resulting unearned guilt, increasing unhappiness, and the steady loss of feelings toward life.
* Recognizes problem. * Gradushy works out poison core of jealously by constantly and openly facing the problem vis-a-vis reality. * Discovery of freedom, growth, and happiness.	Positive Course / Positive Course	* Realizes injustice and injury to self. Does not accept guilt projections. * Negative feelings grow. * Rage over injustice grows. * Love fades. * Problem is identifled and relationship is ended. * A new love free of jealousy and offering growth and happiness becomes possible.

Although sexual jealousy is common and perhaps exists to some degree in most people, it is neither natural nor psychologically healthy. Such jealousy often stems from insecurity and self-esteem problems. Sexual jealousy is possessive in nature and is not synonymous with the natural, valid desire for sexual privacy and romantic exclusivity experienced in most value-oriented, love relationships. Furthermore, nonsexual jealousy (NS) is different in nature from sexual jealousy (GT or BT types) and involves relatively harmless, natural desires for values possessed by others. Often NS jealousy is erroneously called "envy". Envy is not a desire to possess values of others, but is a malevolent desire to destroy values earned by others. Envy is rooted in the fear of exposing one's own inadequacy and impotence in creating tangible values. Productive people can experience harmless NS type jealousy, while non-productive people often experience destructive envy.

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